A leftover piece of bread from my lunch inspired this sketch.

This was an exercise for Kate Johnson’s watercolor textures class.

I drew this self portrait today while sitting on the couch and ruminating. I have been so depressed I could hardly move, let alone get up and get out of the house. I did drag myself out this afternoon to go to church, which was just what I needed to do. That may sound simplistic, but on the way there, I realized I was depressed in part because I had lost my faith, that I needed to re-connect to God through the sacraments. Without practice our faith becomes brittle, then dies. I had been away for far too long. Even though I was showing up faithfully, I was not really there. I still feel a pull away from God and the church, but toward what? The rest of the world, without God, it so depressing I would rather not live.

We had a wonderful service. It was the Vigil for Palm Sunday, with many beautiful verses and readings. Lent is over, and after this feast ends tomorrow night, Holy Week will begin. We also received palms and pussy willows tonight.

What do you do when you only have a few hours left of the weekend, you want to work on art, but don’t have a project going and don’t know where to begin? I got out two old plates covered with dried gouache, dipped my brush in water, and started to work at the most likely glob of paint, a payne’s gray, and painting it onto a piece of card stock I had previously painted with acrylic inks. There wasn’t much paint worth saving on either plate, and now they’re sitting in the kitchen waiting for me to wash them off completely. But as I scrubbed at the paint with my brush, I thought about the “hundred monkeys” theory and how that’s what I want to be able to do with my art: work mindlessly, with whatever junk I have around, not having to think, not having to plan a project, just jump into it, and eventually, if I keep doing that, I will produce a masterpiece. Not! How many times have I tried this, thinking, well, if I work, that’s all that’s needed. But working involves thinking! It involves asking myself, “What do you like to look at?” or, “What do you want to draw?” I think there has been too much advice that says just get your hands on the materials, glop them around, and eventually, you’ll “make art.” Or, you’ll have an experience, and that is what counts. The trouble with that is, even if it feels good at the moment—and that’s only going to happen if everything is set up nicely and I’m using really good materials—even if it feels good, the feedback I get from my work has to be at least at a minimal level of acceptability, or I don’t want to continue with it.

In the last few days I have been looking at my old journals. I’m always surprised by pages I had forgotten about, and how nice they look. Whatever journal I’m keeping at the time never seems to measure up. But looking at the old ones then inspires me to keep going on the current one. You can see the current one in my February 23 post. It’s a book I’m getting used to, but I hesitate to get too used to it because when I want to go back to a different size of book, I’ll have to bond with that one all over again. Why am I so conservative in this matter? Because I want a book that will welcome me as much as my computer does with its lovely keyboard with buttery black keys. Their sound is entrancing to me and they go down so easily. It’s a Mac, of course! My most previous post is a sketch done in a book I carry around in my purse. It’s for capturing sketches when I’m out and about, but I also use it for shopping lists and general notes.